Going back through all the decisions...

...that lead up to a stupid fucking slap in the face.

Deciding to randomly stop by S4 on Friday and pick up some work: It felt great at the time, how the managers were so happy that I'd come back to work for them, how they offered me as many shifts as I wanted and booked me to dance for a few special events right away.

Deciding that, hey, fuck it, I'll take that open slot this Sunday night. I could use the quick cash.

Deciding to drive to work in my parent's truck that I borrowed to road trip to Burning Man because I'd just put gas in it, instead of my own car.

Going in to work on a rainy night knowing that nobody was going to show up to tip me. I could have called in, but even the base rate to just show up for work is better than not having any money at all.

Getting in close to ten and not finding any parking in the employee lot, so I decide that I'll park down the street in the spot I have usually use on such occasions.

Leaving my $200 Oakley bag in the truck that's been with me to Italy, Germany, San Francisco, New York, and Burning Man twice. The bag that I would fucking sleep on in train terminals when I couldn't afford or find a hotel room in any of those places. The bag that had countless items that I considered the most important things to have on me at all times in it.

Not putting my ipod in my work satchel. No good reason, just decided to leave it there instead. I even unplugged it and put it in the glove box.

Imagine how fucking stupid I felt when I came back after work, where I made all of 4 dollars in tips, to find that the window had been broken and everything of mine, plus the truck's xm-radio-dvd-player-too-much-bullshit-electronics-to-even-have-in-a-vehicle stereo had been stolen.

Severely bruising my arm as I slam my elbow into the headrest over and over again, raging without thought against that unresolvable feeling of having been violated in some way, regardless of the value of what is lost, the meaning of what's been taken.

A streetwalker tranny coming up to the broken window in the rain, as I silently stare at the destruction done in the process of ripping the stereo out, and asking me over and over again if I can give her a ride to her house three blocks away.

Me finally looking at her and telling her she's going to end up looking like what I wish I could do to the people who did this to me if she doesn't fuck off.

Her asking me to give her my umbrella, the only thing in the truck now besides discarded receipts and my work satchel. Me screaming, with stupid tears for stupid things and anger at something I can't fucking control pouring out of me.

Driving home, feeling my skin tingle with cold every time a semi-truck drives by and splashes water in the window. Not able to say a word, beyond that now, stuck thinking about every stupid thing that led up to feeling like there's a rock of hate sitting at the base of my spine.

Feeling like a god dammed helpless idiot.

-Sean