Ask me what my favorite thing in the world is. The title of this post should tell you what I'm thinking, but if you'd asked me a week ago I probably would have said sex. And it's true, I do love sex. A lot.
But not as much as I love doing 95 MPH on a pitched low angle feeder lane from 35 S to 35 N. Sunday morning traffic, swerving between cars as the road pitches and winds, refusing to drop below 100 on the straightaways, acceleration like white hot nails in my spine, fueling me, feeding my craving for that feeling of dancing on the stars, surfing chaos.
And taking that feeder lane... god... it was like the best orgasm I've ever had. Knuckles clenched on the steering wheel, feeling the tires slowly slip on their traction askew on the pavement, pulling my curve wider and wider against the all wheel drive torque from my suspension... and in that most terrifying moment where I could see all of downtown Dallas arrayed underneath me, with nothing but a small cement barrier to stop me from flinging me and three thousand pounds of wrecked machinery into a 200 foot drop, I was falling off the cliff again, just before I hit the ground.
That sensation, when your nervous system faces fear and pain and simply transgresses it.
The curve widened and straightened out onto the freeway. I let out my breath and took in a big gulp of air, and laughed for five minutes straight. Maniacally, madly, in love with life and everything in it, yet completely apart from it in an indescribable way.
Driving is part of my madness. I know it's a madness because socially it's not mentally healthy, and endangers the lives of others. I know this because I've spent a lot of time in my abnormal psychology class diagnosing myself. Very probably if I ever lost control of my car I'd kill not only myself but other people as well.
But I don't think I'll ever be able to rationalize that to myself in a way that will make me not do it. It's my madness, and you can't fucking have it. If I never keep anything else in this world, I'll at least always have my insanity. You can't take crazy away from me, and you'll just make it worse for trying.
-Sean
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4 days ago
6 comments:
by the way, that is not that fast..
but funn all the same.
hahahaeheehehee hooooo hoo hooo ahaahaaha
yeah I know the laugh!
Some of our madness overlaps Sean, but this is where the Ven Diagram leaves your circle not overlapping mine. I like doing scary things, but I prefer social risks to risks of death by fast moving. If you do this when I'm in the car with you, I will whimper pathetically until the car stops and then I will pummel you. Smooch!
Nice bod, V in that polka dot suit.
O well everyone needs a good pummel every now and again.
We would share in the splendor of frightful pain together.
HHiii Yaaa, petal to the metal,.
Is still a social risk.
muaw!
Oh, I go MUCH faster than that on straightaways, but that section of 35 if a fucking curvacious death trap of potholes.
-Sean
As a full-time, year-round cyclist, I cringe at the thought of this, although you are on freeways, so it really wouldn't affect me and my hundreds of biking friends. Nevertheless, you will hate me for not letting you do this in Portland. Ever. I'm not taking your crazy away, I'm merely not letting you make me crazy! *wink*
I know that feeling. It's fucking scary. And incredible.
Your writing here could easily be transcribed into a comic sequence. I'll look at that.
I swear.
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